"Stand Still, Turn Off Your Torch and Don't Move A Muscle Until I Tell You!"

"Stand still, turn off your torch and don't move a muscle until I tell you to."  It wasn't a request, it was an order and it wasn't one that any of us were going to quibble with.  Here we were, miles and miles away from home and civilisation, deep in the middle of the jungle in pitch darkness and the man with the machete had spoken.  The hair on the back of my neck was standing up and my heart was racing.  Adrenalin was pumping through me with my heart beating like a train - I was sure the others would be able to hear it.  I tightened my hold on Natalie's hand if we were about to die we were going to do it together - I would protect her with all my heart and soul to the very end.  I was frightened - very frightened. I thought about Sam - left without his mother and sister and what a tragedy that would be for him and my mum and dad, who I loved so much and how they would get through their grief and look after Sam, raising him for me. We stood silent for what seemed like an eternity.

The man with the machete drawn flashed his torch into the dense undergrowth ahead of us.  He was standing right next to me and I could smell his perspiration.  He was scared too.  He whispered to me as the beam of light from his torch was reflected back to him.  "See those - they are eyes.  It's a cat - a big cat - you can tell it's a big one from how far apart the eyes are set." then his torch, as quickly as it had shown us the way plunged us into darkness again.  We stood still, trying to hold our breath, trying not to attract the attention of whatever it was that he had seen.  I don't know how long we stood there before the man with the machete instructed us to turn around and follow him back out of the jungle, to safety - time had stood still in those terrifying moments.

I didn't want to do the night-time jungle walk at all.  There is nothing about hiking through the jungle in the pitch black, in the dead of night that appealed to me.  I was scared of leeches and tree snakes, big spiders, rats and most of the other species known to inhabit the jungle - I certainly didn't relish the thoughts of being in amongst them when I couldn't see them!  In short I was a big "wuss".  So how did I come to be there at all?  Peer pressure.  That's all it was - peer pressure.  Natalie and I were in Borneo where we had gone with one of my closest friends, another Sharon.  The other Sharon has no fear, she faces life head on and is a total adventurer.  A modern day Christopher Columbus.  The night-time jungle walk was right up her street.  She had signed up for it straight away.  Natalie wanted to go with her, she was desperate to go.  She was also only 9 years old.  Sharon was very persuasive - "Natalie will be fine with me, Sharon, please let her go."  I was almost persuaded - then came the disclaimer form.  Basically if one of us died on this "adventure" the company who ran it could not be held responsible.  That was it.  If Natalie was going to die I was going to die with her - my life without her would not be worth living.  So, caving into pressure and against my better judgement I signed us both up for it.

The man with the machete lead us out of the jungle, back to civilisation and safety.  As we stood on the perimeter path Sharon - who had gone into the jungle in hiking boots and shorts asked the man with the machete: "What's the best way of dealing with this?"  to my absolute horror she had a leech attached to her leg!  "I didn't like to say anything whilst we were in there as I knew you'd freak" she whispered to me.  How well she knows me!  I had insisted that Natalie and I both wore long trousers with our socks over the top of them at the bottom - hopefully stopping anything from crawling up our legs!

My ordeal was not yet over.  We were booked to stay the night in jungle lodges - basically wooden huts.  Sharon, Natalie and I were sharing a hut.  That should have been idyllic shouldn't it?  A jungle lodge on something which I can only imagine to be like the garden of Eden?  It would have been I'm sure - except for one minor detail.  The lodge had a 1.5" gap under the door.  Everything came in under that gap.  The bed which was nominated to be mind had ants in it.  When the light was on there were flying insects around it.  Cockroaches the size of the palm of my hand came under that gap.  Natalie and Sharon chattered away excitedly about our earlier adventure, seemingly unaware of my new terror.  How could they be so laid back?  I crept into bed at the side of Natalie, cuddled up to her and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would come and I would wake up in the morning having survived the night ahead.

The sun streamed through the window, it was 5.30 am and only just light.  The vista before me took my breath away.  Was this the most beautiful place on earth?  It must certainly come close. The morning was still, with reflections on the lake in front of me but a cacophony of jungle noises serenaded the dawn of a new day.  All around was different shades of green with bright colours of different species of flora growing wild as if they had been sprinkled there. There was wild orchids of many different colours, their flower heads so delicate and ornate.

We sat on the balcony of the main lodge overlooking the water at the edge of the jungle and ate our breakfast.  I reflected on the night before and thought how lucky we were to have had the opportunity of this experience.  Shortly we would be leaving along with our new guide for a walk into the jungle once more to see the Orangutans.  We were at the beautiful Sepilok - which could have come straight from a storybook.  This morning's walk was altogether more civilised however and we had a "proper" path to follow.  The very place I had found so intimidating and frightening the previous night was transformed by the light of day.  It was beautiful - wherever you looked there was something different, new and stunning to see. The snakes, rats, leeches, cockroaches, big spiders and other scary things were all still there - no doubt watching us watching them - but by the light of day I was not frightened.

This is just one account from my life which I have never forgotten.  I've often thought about it during some of my lowest times.  It serves to remind me that it's always darkest before the dawn and if you can only struggle through the darkest hours then when the light finally comes everything is beautiful, warm and calm.